Linda was holding her weekly meetings for future productions. Things had been going smoothly when the door to the conference room burst open. In came Angle, Rock, Edge, Test, and the Divas. Bringing up the rear were Mark and Glen. Everybody was talking at once, each trying to be heard over the other.

Angle whined, "I'm an Olympic Hero! I'm an American Icon! "

Test yelled, "I can't be fired!"

The Divas were harping due to their lack of air time.

Rock slammed his fist on the conference table. "I'm a movie star, dammit! I demand respect!"

At this statement, Mark and Glen, who were leaning against the wall with >their arms folded, began to laugh.

Linda, sitting at the head of the table, looked heavenward and groaned, "Vince, where are you when I need you!?"

Everybody started talking at once, this time the writers joining in. Linda sagged back in her chair, eyes rolled upward, thought to herself, "They're nothing more than animals! This place is turning into an absolute zoo!"

She looked across the chaos in front of her, her eyes meeting Mark's. What she saw there was the glint of amusement. Then she looked at Glen, who has the same amused expression but with a hard edge to them. She looked back at Mark, mouthing the words, "HELP ME!"

Mark smiled and nudged Glen with his elbow. "Let's go."

They walked to the front of the room, each standing beside Linda, and surveyed the scene. Suddenly Mark let out with a loud "ENOUGH!" The room became quiet, all eyes now on the three of them. Linda looked up at Mark, her eyes telling him "Thank you."

"Glen and I followed you down here, and as usual, you're all acting like animals."

Angle began whining again. "I'm being kicked to the curb! I'm an American Hero!"

Rock repeated, "And I'm a movie star! Where's my respect?"

Test added, "I have a guaranteed contract!"

Glen looked at Test and said, "Your point being?"

Mark turned to Glen, smiled and turned back to the assemblage. "I think I have a solution to all your problems. Instead of barging in her and acting like animals in a zoo, ya'all go back to wherever you were, write down your complaints and the reason why. Then Monday you submit them to Linda's secretary. She can go over them in relative peace and quiet and then be able to address all your concerns."

All of them stared at Mark as if to say, "Who are you?" Glen asked, "Does anyone have a better suggestion?"

They looked at the two men with sullen eyes and muttered "No." Glen then added, "I would suggest you leave and start your assignment."

The room began to empty, the group muttering among themselves. Mark watched them leave, then looked at the writers and bookers. He gave them a cold, deadly smile. "Meeting adjourned." They looked at Linda who sighed, "Amen!"

When it was just the three of them, Linda looked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"

Glen replied, "With the buyout and the lottery, everybody's worried about their air time."

Linda was dumbfounded. "Don't they realize we're still working on the schedule, and that is Vince's department."

Mark laughed. "Since I saw they were acting like a bunch animals, it was time to treat them as such. Glen and I followed the herd to protect your back, so to speak."

"You must have been reading my mind," she laughed. "Because that's exactly what I was thinking."

"Well, we'll escort you to your car in case some of the hyenas are lying in wait."

"Thank you, guys, but I have a little more work to do before the weekend."

Mark and Glen said okay and left the room. Linda watched them leave and thought to herself, "There goes the king of beasts and his second-in- command, the tiger."

When she entered her office, instead of sitting at her desk, she stretched out on the couch. She sighed, "What a day!" She leaned back and let her mind wonder. Her last thought before falling asleep was "This place is turning into nothing but a zoo."

She woke up a short time later and realized she had been asleep. "I never take a nap during the day!" She stood up, straightened up her khaki jacket and opened the door to leave her office, stepping into bright sunlight and the sounds of various birds and animals.

She heard the screech of the peacock, the elephant trumpeting, the squawking of the macaws, and the barking of the seals. She passed a pair of brightly colored macaws. "Hello." She smiled and reached into her pocket, bringing out sunflower seeds. "Here you go." Putting out her hand, they landed each on a shoulder. "How are my Matt and Jeff this morning?" Matt nuzzled her neck and preened his blue and gold feathers. Jeff popped out his chest, extended his wings, showing off his red, yellow and green feathers.

Jackie and Nessa came out of the aviary, having just finished cleaning it. Jackie turned to Nessa, an exasperated sigh escaping her. "What the hell do we have to do to get those birds to love us the way they love Linda?" Nessa rolled her eyes and replied, "When you get that figured out, let me know." Linda laughed and told them, "I'll never tell."

She looked over at the small Ponderosa pine that was growing in the corner. On a low branch was the oldest bird in the aviary, an old owl. "Good morning, JR. Any words of wisdom this morning?" He looked at Linda with his wise old eyes and winked. She looked over at Jackie. "make sure the old man gets an extra mouse today."

Linda left the aviary and went on to the next exhibit, which housed the seals and sea lions. As she passed, she heard a resounding bark. Lounging on the rocks was a large sea lion. Upon seeing Linda, he barked a greeting and swam over to the edge of the pool. "Good morning, D'von." To which came the reply, "You have to do something about my pool-mate. He never stops talking. I can be laying on my rock, trying to catch a few zzz's and here he comes, splashing and barking. He never stops! All I'm asking for is just a little peace and quiet."

"Oh, poor D'von. Is Tazz driving you crazy? I'll talk to the vet next time. Maybe we'll give him a valium for seals. You've earned your retirement."

D'von looked up at her with big sad eyes and gave her a soft bark, as if saying "Thank you."

Linda entered the reptile house, having gotten word that Angle, her biggest python, had stopped eating. She stopped up to the glass and saw him curled around himself. She tapped lightly on the glass. "What's the >matter with my big guy?"

Angle raised his head, his tongue darting in and out. "I am so tired of ratsss and mice. What I wouldn't give for a nicccce, fat, goat."

"Well, instead of a goat, why not a nice, fat, live chicken?" Linda asked.

Angle replied, "At thissss sssstage, I'll trying anything."

She walked past a cage of cobras. In a separate cage next to them, was the zoo's prize possession - a 25-foot King cobra. As she approached, she heard a soft hiss. "Good morning, Linda. And how are you thissssss fine morning?"

Their eyes locked. Linda had to look away but didn't back down. "How can something so deadly be so mesmerizing?" she mumbled to herself. She went over to the crocodile pit. Basking by the edge of the pool was the world's only albino crocodile. Linda had become worried as Jericho had refused the fish and chicken for the past couple of weeks. Jericho looked up at her. "Who the hell do I have to kill to get a hunk of red meat around here?"

"AAHH, Jericho, what's the matter?"

"I'm sick of fish and if I see one more chicken, I swear, I'll lay an egg!"

"What if I tell your keepers to feed you some beef this evening?"

"A nice hunk of beef. That just made my day," he chomped.

Linda left the reptile house, passing by the hyena exhibit. Upon spotting her, they all started their wild laughter.

"Linda, we need a male in here! The nights are getting so cold and lonely." Lita, Terri, and Ivory >started their maniacal laughter. Linda shook her head and walked on.

She headed over to the gorilla exhibit. There she observed her prized silverback, who was surrounded by no less than seven females and a host of babies. "Well, Rock, I see you're still making the ladies happy. You know, silverbacks are supposed to be so ferocious, but Rock, you're such a pussy cat." She laughed. "At least we know its not from lack of company. We won't need to make a deposit in the sperm back this year," she observed. "That makes nine babies in the last two years.

She next went to check on the chimps, and as usual it was chaos. Running, fighting, screaming, climbing, swinging on the hanging ropes. Linda knew chimps could run rampant for no reason, but this was far from normal. She noticed the largest of the chimps, Hayes, was getting louder and louder. "My goodness, what is wrong with you?" she asked him.

"The others are playing with my tail!" he screamed hysterically.

0 Linda snickered, "AAHH, Hayes, chimps don't have tails."

Hayes looked down to see a hand at his crotch. He put his paw in front of his crotch and ran backwards, screaming, "Excuse me, do I know you?!"

Linda laughed all the way to the orangutan exhibit. "Hey, Bradshaw, today's the day. Now you be good and cooperate with the vet. We need your help so we can make future babies. So no trouble. Okay?" The big handsome orangutan looked at her. Linda swore she could see a twinkle in those dark eyes."

She took a deep breath as she watched their newest acquisition, a young grizzly named Trips, being difficult with the caretakers. It seems, she had been informed, he was unwilling to follow the schedule the zoo had. "Why are you being so difficult?" she asked. Trips gave her a lop-sided grin and snorted, "I don't follow any rules. I play my own game."

"With what we have in mind for you, if you don't follow the rules, your name may change from Trips to nut-less wonder."

She heard something growling her name from the Panda cage. She saw Al with a perplexed expression. "Linda, what's this my caretakers are talking about? They're laughing, saying I'm going to be jacked off into a cup, then my 'sperm' frozen and to top it off, will be flown to China! Pardon me, but what is a jack-off? What is 'sperm'? And, where the hell is China and what does that have to do with me?"

Linda replied. "Well, Al, China is a faraway place that has very few females left, and even fewer magnificent looking males such as you. True me, Al, you'll love it."

She left a slightly less confused Al and headed to the penguinarium. It was a cold room encased in glass. The water was halfway up the side so people could watch them swim. Just as she entered the visitor area, the penguins entered and toddled over to the edge of the ice floe. They all stood in a line and bowed, "Good morning, Ms. Linda."

"Good morning, my little friends. I see a few of the females are missing. Where are they?"

Over to the side stood an Emperor Penguin named Bubba, who waddled to the edge of the pool and harrumphed at her. "Ms. Linda, you will not believe what I'm about to tell you. It seems our littler penguins have been busy lately."

"Really, Bubba?"

"Yes. Spike, Tajiri, Raven, and the two weird ones, Chuck and Billy, all have (winking his eye) eggs in the nest."

>Linda smiled. "How wonderful! It looks like the vet won't be needed here either." She looked at Bubba. "What about you, big guy? Is there an egg in your nest?"

Bubba tried to change the subject but Linda wouldn't let it drop. Chuck and Billy laughed at Bubba's embarrassment and said in penguin sing-song fashion, "Ninner Ninner Ninner! Nobody wants Bubba."

Bubba chased everyone into the water. They swam around the pool, Bubba noticing the littlest one, Spike, hiding behind an ice rock, not wanting to get stepped on. He slid belly-fashion into the pool. He realized too late that the other penguins were swimming at him, not with him. "Look out! I'm coming through!" The other penguins scattered, doing their best to get away from wrong-way Spike. Linda was in tears from laughing and had to leave to regain her composure.

As she walked to the next exhibit, she noticed a peacock underneath a cherry tree in full bloom. Upon seeing Linda, the bird spread his tail, thrust out his chest, and began strutting for her. "My, my, Hogan, you seem more cocky than usual today."

He gave her his best peacock smile and strutted some more. "My Maize had a present waiting on me this morning!"

"Oh!"

"She showed me two beautiful eggs in the next. They came last night."

"That's wonderful, Hogan. That makes one less for the vet."

She approached the wolf exhibit. Six females and one alpha female were lounging on some rocks enjoying the day. Linda asked the alpha female, Stephanie, "Where's Nash?"

"Oh, he's pouting in the cave."

"Why?"

"Yesterday was my receptive cycle, and I went to tell him. For two hours we tried, but the old fart couldn't get the knot in his dick."

"Sounds like we need to get his sperm count tested."

Stephanie did a wolfie sneer and thought, "Now we'll be rid of that old dog and I'll finally have a new alpha mate."

Linda called out, "Nash, I want to talk to you."

A low moanful howl echoed from the cave. "OOOooooooo!!!!"

"Nash, it's Linda. Come out and talk to me."

A second, moanful howl was heard. "Send everyone into the cave."

Linda had all the females leave. "Okay. You can come out." Nash stuck his head out, exiting upon seeing no one was around. "Okay, Nash, tell me what is really the problem? You're just in your prime?"

"Linda, Stephanie is a wolf's worst nightmare. All day long, it's nag, nag, nag! And that's only part of it! She never takes care of the litter or even tries to clean them, growling at the others to do it for her. The >only reason she keeps having pups is so she can remain the head alpha female. Now, Linda, would you really want to keep passing her genes on?" he asked wearily. "Now you see why I couldn't get a knot in my dick."

Linda, who had seen and heard it all, had a hard time keeping a sympathetic look on her face. "Well, maybe we should schedule a visit with the vet anyway and take a deposit. I noticed as I talked with her, there was a bit of dissension among the other females. They just might take care of the problem for you."

Nash got a far away look in his eyes. "Yeah, here's hoping that cute little she-wolf, Torrie, will decide to take on Stephanie."

"Ms. Linda! Ms. Linda! " She heard voices from the zoo's natural habitat exhibit. The zebras were all at the fence, braying frantically. "Ms. Linda! Come here! We need to speak to you!"

No sooner had she approached when the giraffe and two camels joined in the chorus. It became so deafening that she had to put her hands over her ears to shut out the noise. She watched their mouths flapping as the noise got louder. "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!" she finally screamed. She slowly took her hands from her ears and let out a sigh of relief. "Now, one at a time, tell me what is the complaint?"

They all started jabbering again. "ONE AT A TIME! Zebras, you're first." Earl, the head zebra, spoke up. "Ms. Linda, Test is picking on us! When we're eating our grass, he either head butts or kicks us, then eats all the grass, leaving us nothing! It's the same way at the pond!" The other zebras nodded in agreement. Linda looked up at Test, who stuck out his eighteen inch long black tongue and started to walk away. "Hold it, you!" >she ordered. "Explain yourself!"

"I just don't like authority, and these striped, mutant jackasses think they own the place, telling everyone the rules! Remember, the vet said my genes are unique and I'm to be treated with the utmost respect. So, everything in this compound is to revolve around me."

"Oh, really!" she said. "Perhaps we could arrange for you to make your deposits elsewhere."

The camels, Edge and Christian, decided to add their comments. "Yes, please! Then perhaps we'll have clean water for a change as he won't be using our watering hole as his personal toidie."

Linda didn't comment, but did make a mental note to call another zoo to see of an exchange could be worked out. She was now halfway inspecting the animals. As she neared the Rhino enclosure, she saw the caretakers exiting the cage door rather quickly, closing the door just in time. Austin snorted and tossed his head. "You ugly son-of-a-bitches!"

The caretakers explained how belligerent Austin became when they were preparing to trim his horn. "Austin....?"

"I don't want my horn trimmed! If they come back in here again, it'll end up their butts, and that's the bottom line!"

Linda heard a mournful bellow next door. She peeked over to see a sad-eyes hippo stick his head up out of the water. "Rikishi, you sound sosad."

"My belly hurts!" he moaned.

"Why?"

"I don't know!"

Just then a loud explosion of air bubbles broke the surface. Linda nearly fainted as the overwhelming aroma of garlic filled her nose. "Oh, my God!" She held her hand over her nose as another blump, blump of bubbles broke the surface. A smile of relief came on his face. "I'll be sure to tell them no garlic from now on," she said.

She held her hand over her nose till she was well out of Rikishi's area. As she was near the elephant compound, she went over to check on Show. Show was swinging his trunk back and forth. Linda saw his stomach was bloated more than usual. She checked his trunk, which seemed a little warmer than usual.

"Oh, Ms. Linda! I feel like something crawled up my ass and died!" he groaned. "Nothing they've given me has worked!"

"Sounds like a bad case of constipation. We may have to have insert a suppository."

Show's ears shot out and his trunk went up. "Supposi- what? What is that? Doesn't sound good to me!"

"Well, it's either you put up with a few minutes of discomfort or who knows how many days of pain."

"Since you put it that way.....okay."

Linda told the caretakers what she wanted done. The caretakers looked skeptically at each other, then drew straws to see who would be the "lucky" one. The unlucky loser, wearing rainslicker, gloves and boots, took the basketball-sized suppository and inserted it all the way in, trying his best not to faint from the smell. It didn't take long before they all heard an ominous rumble. One of them yelled, "Clear the >decks! He's gonna blow!" Before the caretaker could turn to run, there was a loud boom, followed by one unmistakable sigh of one relieved elephant. As for the caretaker, the force of the release knocked him to the ground, and before he could get up, was buried under the end results.

Linda was on the ground laughing hysterically. Once she got control of herself, she asked Show, "All better now?"

Show rumbled in relief and gratitude. "Just one thing, Ms. Linda. I'm hungry. When do we eat?"

Linda walked away, shaking her head. She headed over to her favorite place in the zoo - the big cat house. She first went to the Siberian tiger cage. Kane looked at her with strange eyes - one blue and one hazel. "Ready to make your yearly donation tonight, big guy? We found a beautiful Siberian female."

Kane padded over to the bars as she pulled out the picture. He looked at the picture and gave her a wink, saying in a low rumble, "Sure you can't bring her here?"

Linda smiled and winked. Kane said, "Well, you can't blame a tiger for trying."

She headed to the last cage. Inside was the king of beasts - a majestic black-maned lion with emerald green eyes (due to a genetic throwback) which seemed to look down into your soul. He had been there the longest and knew the routine. "Is it that time again, Linda?" he softly rumbled.

Linda nodded. "Yes, it's about that time."

The majestic lion laid on his back, exposing his belly. "Always willing to help the cause."

Linda smiled and said, "Taker, you never change."

As she watched Taker, the unmistakable sounds of squawking, bellowing, screeching, and trumpeting began filtering into the big cat house. Linda put her hands over her ears, looked at the two big cats, and cried, "HELP ME!" Taker and Kane roared, "ENOUGH!"

Linda sat up on the couch for a few minutes to catch her bearings and then laughed, "Wow! What a nighthorse!"

Linda walked over to her desk and packed her briefcase with papers she needed to read over the weekend. She turned the light off and walked out. Going down the hall, she passed the conference room. Sitting at the table were Mark and Glen. She stopped to say goodnight. They looked at >her, each giving her a wink and a smile. "Have a good weekend, Linda."

"Thanks guys. You too."

She started to continue when she heard a low rumbling growl from the conference room. She stopped, looked over her shoulder and shook her head. "Naaah!" and continued out the door.

The End

Home

Except where otherwise noted, this website and most of it's contents © copyright by Dancer Productions, Inc. 1999-2002.