"So, you'll be home soon?" I asked into the phone
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"yeah, the plane leaves in about 15 minutes, I'll be home by 4" he replyed, he being Jeff; my boyfriend, we have been together for almost 5 years, even with a baby girl Lexa
"Ok I guess...bye Jeff, I love you" K
"I love you too 'liss" he said, then hung up. I sighed and hung up the phone. Jeff and I didn't see eachother much, he was always off on the road working, or with the band, it got me so mad sometimes, but I couldn't stay mad long, it just wasn't me
"Well Lexa, daddy says he'll be home at 4, let's see if it's true" I said to our 4 year old daughter, Jeff had missed so much of her life already, her first steps, her first words, all of it
"food!" Lexa yelled looking up at me
"Yeah, I guess if he does come home, he will be hungry" I said as I got off of the bed and picked up the few toys Lexa had scattered around our; Jeff and my room, while she went running down the hall to the kitchen.
When I was finally done cooking dinner and setting the table it was 5:30, Lexa and I waited a bit more, but then we knew Jeff wasn't coming home. It killed me when I had to tell Lexa he wasn't coming home tonight and she said "...I know..."
Lexa and I ate dinner alone, just like everyday these past 2 weeks. I gave Lexa a bath and while she sat in the living room watching cartoons I called Jeff and left a message
"Well Jeff...it's currently 8:30, you were suppose to be home 4 and a half hours ago...you could've atleast called and let us know you weren't coming home, but I guess that would've cut into your time with the guys huh?...whatever, just...call us, when you're REALLY coming home..." I hung up and walked into the living room sitting next to Lexa, watching her staring intensly at the tv
I felt horrible that Jeff wasn't around for Lexa, I didn't understand it, he was never like this, things use to be good, not great, but he was never on the road, or away from home as much as he is now. Shortly after I had Lexa is when he started to change, staying out later, the thoughts of him cheating on me started then, but I knew, no matter how much Jeff ever screwed up, he WOULD NEVER do that, I just didn't get it, something wasn't right
"Mommy, when is daddy comin' 'ome?" She asked once a commercial came on, I shook my head
"I don't know honey, soon"
"well, when is soon? I wanna see him" she said, she looked like she was about to start and cry
"here, why don't you go to bed, and in the morning, when you wake up, daddy will be here, ok?"
"ok!" she said as she jumped off the couch
"ok, take Liger with you...I love you Lexa"
"I love you too mommy" she said as she walked down the hall to her room with Liger right behind her
"Well, with all this time I have, I should probably start to clean up" I muttered as I got up and walked into the kitchen and started to do the dishes and put others away, moping, whiping down the counter, things like that
It was about 10:30 and I was down in the basement doing laundry with the radio on, I looked around the room while I waited for the load in the washer to be done. Jeff had named the room the "over 1,000 words" because we had pictures all over the walls, and the saying "a picture is worth 1,000 words"
how can you do this to me Jeff, to us I thought as I looked at one picture hanging right above the washer, it was of Lexa, Jeff, and myself in the backyard, Lexa was about 2 months old when it was taken.
I started thinking more about Jeff, and our relationship, but my thoughts were interrupted when I felt strong arms wrap around my waist
"I missed you 'Liss" Jeff mumbled into my ear. I didn't even hear him come home because of the radio. It felt so good to have him here, but then I remembered the time, and got angry
"do you know what time it is?" I asked, still not looking at him, I think he knew I was a little upset so he let go of me and stood on the side of the dryer
"I know, I'm sorry 'Liss, Shannon wanted me to stay a bit"
"I don't even care anymore Jeff....did you get my message??" I asked as I took the clothes out of the dryer and started up the steps
"no I didn't, my phone was off, come on 'Liss, I'm sorry...I'm here now..." He said following me, I set the basket of clothes down and turned around looking at him
"Yeah Jeff, well now doesn't work....you weren't the one who had to look at our daughter and tell her that her father wasn't coming home, AGAIN, because he was too busy...." I snapped, I grabbed the clothes again and walked down to our bedroom, sitting on the bed holding my head
Jeff came into the room and stood in the doorway
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" come on, 'Liss...I'm sorry, I was an idiot and I should've told him no, I won't do it again....please?" he said, trying to plead with me. I wanted to say ok, I forgive you, and believe that it wouldn't happen again, but somewhere, inside I knew it would
"I'm sleeping in Lexa's room tonight" I said as I stood up and headed for the door, he stopped me
"....fine..." I said, he smiled a little
"I'm really sorry" he said as he followed me over to the bed, I just shook my head and laid down, I really wanted to stay mad at Jeff, he promised he'd be home, and he didn't show up, but something about him there, with his arms around me, I couldn't, it was too great, safe, warm, the feeling I had been missing for a long time
"....mommy! where is daddy at!" Lexa yelled as she jumped onto my bed, I sat up and looked around, where was he?
"umm, I don't know honey, did you check the kitchen?"
"yeah....and the game room, and the writing room, and out back...he wasn't anywhere"
you better not have done it again Jeff I thought as I got out of bed, I walked down to the kitchen, and sure enough, there was a note on the fridge, I took it off and read it
'Liss : I'm sorry, Vince called me and wanted me to do some promo work up in Ny, I didn't want to wake you or Lexa up, I should be home by 8 tonight, tell Lexa I love her and I'll see her tonight
Jeff
"what's it say mommy? where is he!?!" Lexa asked while trying to jump up and read the note
"He had to do some work in Ny honey, he says he'll be home by 8 and he loves you" I said as I threw the note away ,Lexa put her head down and held her tedy bear closer to her
"oh.....can I go to my room?" She asked, I nodded and she solemly walked down the hall
god damn it Jeff, you had to go and pull a stunt like this...do you really want your daughter to not know you?? I thought, I grabbed the phone and left him another message
"Jeff....I don't get you anymore? how can you keep doing this, Last night you said you weren't going to do this again, and you get up this morning and did the exact opposite, you lied to me? Well, I don't know what's up with you, but you better start thinking straight, because if your job, or the band is more important to you than me and Lexa, well, maybe we shouldn't be together anymore...." I hung up and then walked down to Lexa's room
"hey honey, what do you say we get dressed and go down to the park, we'll take Liger?" I said
"no, that's ok" Lexa said, she was sitting at her coloring table, scribbling on a sheet of paper
"oh...ok...so, what are you drawing?" I kneeled down next to her and she moved it away
"no! you can't see it til it's done" she instructed, I nodded
"ok...well, when will it be down"
"soon" she said, then went back to drawing, I walked over and sat on her bed, and picked up one of her stuffed animals, and looked around her room. The walls where a light shade of pink, with decals of the "precious moments" characters, and a tv over in the corner, with her bed in the opposite one, and then she had shelves on the walls with various dolls and barbies, her bed was a canopy, something I had always wanted when I was a little girl, let's just say, Lexa was a spoiled kid
"ok it's done now" she said as she rushed over to me with the picture and a wide grin on her face. I looked at it, it was two girls in a heart, and a guy standing on the outside
"what is it?" I asked
"it's us! you and me are in the heart, and daddy is on the outside of it" she said pointing everything out
"why is he on the outside and not with us?"
"cause....he's never here..." she said, then looked down at the ground, she looked back up and started to talk to me again "....how could he be family if he's never here?" she asked
"I guess we both think the same thing" I silently whispered
"what was the mommy?"
"nothin honey...here, how about I take this picutre, and go get a frame for it, and put it with all your other pictures? since it's so good"
"ok!" she said, I got up off the bed and started to walk away when Lexa pulled on my arm
"wait...don't show that to daddy..."
"why not honey?"
"cause....I don't want him to get mad at me"
My heart ripped in two, here was my daughter worried that Jeff was going to get mad at her, for speaking the truth
"ok, I won't" I said as I left then walked down to my room and set the picture on my bed, I got up and started to walk around, then sat back down, then got back up, repeating the process a couple times, I couldn't sit still, I glanced at the clock it was only 12:30, I picked up the phone and dialed Shannon's number, he'd be able to help, after two rings Crystal picked up
"hey, is Shannon there?"
"yeah he is, can I ask who is calling? She said, either she didn't know it was me, or didn't want to
"it's Melissa, I just need to talk to him for like 5 minutes"
"ok...I'll get him"
I started to shift from leg to leg until he finally came to the phone
"hey 'Liss, is somethin wrong?"
"yeah...I'm goin crazy here, Jeff left to Ny today, and I'm just, goin crazy" I said really fast
"whoa whoa speedy, calm down...what can I help to do, to make you, uncrazy?" he asked, I sighed
"I know it's your time off, but, would you mind coming with me and Lexa to the park, I just don't wanna go by myself?" I asked, I felt bad always having to call Shannon with everything, but there was no one else
"sure 'Liss, I'll be over in about 20?"
"ok...thanks Shan, I owe you"
"no problem, anything for my 'Liss" he said laughing a little, then he hung up, I set the phone down and walked back to down to Lexa's room
"hey honey, uncle Shannon is coming over and he's gonna go with us to the park, so hurry up and go get ready!" I said, Lexa's eyes lit up when she heard Shannon's name, I hated to say it, but he was more of a father to her than Jeff was
"ok!" she ran over to her closet and pointed out the outfit she wanted to wear, a jean skirt and a shirt that read "daddy's little girl"
"ok honey, i'm gonna go get dressed, so if uncle shannon comes, just tell him to wait ok?" I said, she nodded and I left her room walking down to mine
I really didn't care how I looked, I grabbed some jeans and a shirt throwing them on and threw my hair up in a twist and put a pen in it
"Mommy! he's here!" Lexa said as she came running down the hall to my room and Shannon was walking right behind her
"ya ready?" he asked as he stood in the doorway, I grabbed my purse and nodded
"now I am" I said, I tried to smile as Shannon stood making faces at Lexa to get her to laugh
"good then, off we go!" he instructed
We had a very good time at the park, according to Lexa. I sat on the bench while Shannon and Lexa played with Liger, I tried to really have fun, but Jeff just coming back into my head, where was he? was he really in NY?
" are you gonna be ok 'Liss?" Shannon asked as he stood on my front step, this was about the 10th time he asked me, and though I loved him for trying to help, and care, it was getting annoying
"yes, I'm possitive, god....I'm a big girl, I can handle it" I said rolling my eyes, he just nodded
"ok ok, I get it...I'm going now, call me when Jeff gets home, ok?"
"ok ok" I said, then I walked back into the house
"Lexa, let's go to bed honey, you can sleep in mommy's bed with me" I said
"what about daddy?" she asked looking up at me
"forget daddy..."
It had been about 3 weeks since Jeff had pulled the stunt of going up to Ny, and of course, I forgave him, he had talked me into getting a babysitter and going out for the night, I was happy that he was trying to make it up, but wasn't all that impressed
"so 'Liss, are you having fun?" Jeff asked with a wide grin, I snapped out of my trance and nodded
"oh yeah, sure, sure" I said, my mind was not with me tonight
"what's wrong?"
"nothin...." I said as I glanced around the restraunt we were at
"come on, I already said I was sorry about that 'Liss" Jeff said sighing
"Jeff, I didn't even say that....I already forgave you for that, just drop it ok?"
"fine whatever" he said sitting back in his chair, I sighed, I hated his stubborn attitute, he could never just accept an answer, he has to know it all, then when he does, he gets mad
"do you really want to know what's wrong...I am upset because you think you can just go off, like 'oh liss, vince needs me, forget you guys' The other day when you went up to Ny, I was in Lexa's room, she drew a picture Jeff, you want to know it was of?....us, our family, except, you weren't a part of it....god damn it, Shannon is a better father to her than you are....that's what I'm upset over" I said, I had spoken louder than I had wanted to and now half of the people were trying to listen in on what was happening, I know Jeff realized it too
"come on Melissa...we will talk about this when we get home" he said through clenced teeth, I shook my head and stood up
"forget it Jeff....I'm going home" I shook my head and walked outside, I dug around in my purse for my cell phone and Jeff had walked outside too
" 'Liss come on....what was that about? you just made a scene in there?"
"well excuse me....just leave me alone" I sighed and walked away
"come on, let's talk about this?" he said following me
"it's too late jeff...talking time is over" I said once I found my cell phone, I called Shannon and asked him if he could give me a ride home
I continued to ignore Jeff until he finally left, I sat on the bench waiting for Shannon to come
how much more of this can I take? I mean I love him but...
I shook my head and whiped away the few tears that collected in my eyes, I stood up once I saw Shannon pull up, I quickly ran over to the car and got in
"what happened? I thought you guys were havin a good time?"
"yeah well, we weren't.....I went off on him, made a scene, then left"
"well, where is he at?"
I sighed "I don't even know Shan..." I put my head on the window, I didn't even think of that, if he was home I didn't know if I'd be able to stay there
"well then...home we go?" he asked, I nodded, still keeping my head on the window
"yeah...just want to check on Lexa and go to bed..."
"ok 'Liss, whatever you say..."
The 15 minute drive home was silent, I was too busy thinking, and Shannon knew, so I didn't think he wanted to take the chance of getting me mad
"well, here we are..." Shannon said as he pulled in front of the house, I looked in the drive way and didn't see Jeff's car
"where is he?" I said
"he'll be here, probably just took a drive around the city or something"
I nodded and tried to convice myself that that's what it was, I always had a problem worrying about Jeff when he was driving, he wasn't the safest and I just worried
"I guess I'll see you tommorrow then Shan.." I said getting out of the car and walking into the house, Lexa was fast asleep on the couch
"home so soon?" Becky said as she walked into the living room
"yeah...you can stay here tonight if you want...I'm going to bed"
"where's Jeff at?"
I groaned "....morning....."
I walked down the hall and kicked off my shoes, I didn't bother to take off my make-up or change my clothes, I just wanted to get to bed
I woke up in the morning and looked to my left, Jeff wasn't there and it didn't look like he had been there at all, his side of the bed was completely neat
I checked all the rooms, then I went to the living room, Becky was sleeping on the love seat, I really didn't want to wake her up, but I was worried
"Becky....becky....get up please..." I whispered, she jumped up and looked around
"eh...what..??" she said holding her head
"do you remember Jeff coming home last night?"
"ummm....no....why?" she asked, I shook my head
"nevermind...you can go back to bed" I grabbed the phone and called Shannon
"hey...Shannon....is Jeff there?" I was really starting to get worried, it wasn't like Jeff to stay out all night without atleast letting me know
"no he's not....he didn't come home?"
"no...I don't know where he's at...."
"did you try his cell phone?"
"no...not yet"
"ok....well, try it, and I'll check matt's, or his dad's"
"thanks"
I hung up the phone and dialed his cell phone number, his machine came on
"Jeff, it's me...if you get this, please call me right away..."
I hung up and sat down, the phone rang and I jumped
"Jeff?" I said
"no...sorry....no answer at matt's, not at gil's" Shannon said
"ok.....thanks Shannon....I....I gotta think about some things, but if you find anything out, please call me?"
"ok, I will..."
I hung up the phone and stood up walking back to my room, I sat down on the bed and looked around the room, the picture Lexa had drew the other day, caught my eye, I sat there all morning staring at it and thinking
It was about 2 in the afternoon when Becky left and I made up my mind, I knew there was no way I could stay here with Jeff, I needed to get out, I picked up the phone and called Shannon
"hey....did you hear anything yet?" I asked, hoping maybe he did and he just forgot to call me
"no, I'm sorry"
"it's ok....hey Shannon, I have a really big favor to ask you?"
"what is it?"
"I've decided that there is no way I can stay here...I wanted you to take me to the airport in charolette, if I call you in a little bit...can you take me there?"
"you are going to leave Jeff? what about Lexa?"
"I'm taking her too, I just.....please? I've made up my mind"
"I guess so 'Liss"
I sighed with relief, at least he wasn't going to start questioning everything
"thank you so much Shannon, I'll call you in a little bit ok?"
"sure....see you then 'Liss"
I hung up and then walked down to Lexa's room, I walked over and sat on the edge of her bed
"hey Lexa...time to get up honey" I gently shook her, at first I was worried that I was doing the wrong thing, but then after that picture, I knew it was right
"what is it?" Lexa said sitting up in bed and streching
"honey, I need you to do me a favor...you know that suitcase you have, well I need you to get all your clothes and things and put them in there"
"why? are we goin somewhere?" she piped as she jumped up on the bed
"yeah for a little while, so just go pack, ok?"
"ok!" she jumped off her bed and ran over to her closet, I smiled a little then walked to my room, I needed to pack my things. I decided I would go up to stay with my friend Emily, she lived in Toronto Canada, and she would let Lexa and I stay there til we had things figured out
I grabbed one of the suit cases and started putting my clothes in them, I found one of the bracelet's Jeff had given me when we first started dating
'to 'Liss the only one who keeps me sane everyday, I love you'
I quickly put it away before I could start thinking about the past and changing my mind.
I was about 3 quarters of the way done packing when Jeff came home
" 'Liss, what's going on?" He asked, I didn't say anything and just kept packing
" 'Liss....come on, what's wrong?"
I put the last of my things in the bags and looked at him
"Lexa and I are leaving" I said flatly, I called Shannon and told him it was time for him to come and pick me up now. I grabbed my bags and took them to the living room then walked to Lexa's room
"come on honey, we're going now" I said, I was starting to get nervous and shake, but my mind was made up
"you're what?!?!" Jeff said as he walked down the hall
"we're leaving....I'm not staying here, I can't do it anymore"
"you can't leave...what about Lexa?"
"she doesn't see you now anyway, what's the difference?" I took the rest of the things and set them next to the door, I held on to Lexa's hand tightly as I waited for Shannon to come
"you can't do this 'Liss...it's not fair...." he said
"not fair....Jeff, I'll tell you what isn't fair, the fact I see you once a month, the fact you don't like coming home, I don't know what your problem is, but you need to get it figured out. For the last 4 years I've had to go to sleep every night wondering where were you? why weren't you home yet...where you cheating on me with some other girl? do you know how that feels Jeff....the person you love...giving you those thoughts? it's horrible, and I'm fed up with it" I said, I was now crying, and tears were starting to form in Jeff's eyes, I think it finally hit him that I was being serious
"but 'Liss...-" I cut him off before he could finish
"no, don't 'but 'Liss' me ok Jeff, it's over, last night I was so scared about you, you didn't call, you didn't let anyone know where you were, for all I knew, you were dead in some ditch....nothing can compare to that feeling Jeff, there is nothing you can say....when you gets your life straight, then I'll think about this again"
Jeff put his head down, he wouldn't look at me
"can I atleast say bye to Lexa" he mumbled, I let go of Lexa's hand and she ran over to him
"I love you very much Lexa, don't forget that ok?" he said as he hugged her tightly, I turned my head so I couldn't see them
"aren't you coming with me and mommy?" she asked, I would still have to explain everything to her
"no, I need to figure some things out before I see you and mommy again....just remember I love you a lot, ok?"
"I love you too" she said, I heard Shannon beep the horn outside and it sent a chill down my spine, it was time
Jeff let go of Lexa then looked at me
"where are you gonna stay?"
"with Emily..."
"can I atleast call and talk to Lexa? or maybe stop by if I'm up there"
" I'm not stoping you..."
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Shannon beeped the horn again and I grabbed the bags opening the door
"Melissa please....I love you and Lexa...."
"well Jeff....love should've brought you home..." I said as I walked out the door
love should've brought you home Jeff, it should've it played over and over in my head I was walking away from Jeff, from my life...
THE END!!!
E-mail Lady B at taker123@yahoo.com.